


king of sleaze

by havisham



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: 1980s, Boss/Employee Relationship, M/M, Performance Reviews, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 21:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19071016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havisham/pseuds/havisham
Summary: Satan liked to pop into Crowley's life from time to time, for a friendly chat. It isn't a problem or even a big deal. Crowley knows exactly what to do. It's perfectly fine. Handled. Nothing to worry about at all.





	king of sleaze

Satan, once Lucifer, once God's especial favorite before humanity was just a gleam in God's ineffable eye, liked to pop into Crowley's life from time to time, for a friendly chat. It isn't a problem or even a big deal. Crowley knows exactly what to do. It was perfectly fine. Handled. Nothing to worry about at all. Certainly, it was a little disturbing to see Diana Spencer's face suddenly twist into a flirty snarl as Satan's voice poured out of her slim white throat, but it wasn't as if Crowley was truly invested in the spectacle of the royal wedding. He'd merely purchased a color television the size of a small elephant to see it, since he had personally helped bring it about.

"Crowley, darling!" Satan purred, "We haven't talked at all for so long. I wonder if I've been abandoned." 

"Abandoned? You? No, my lord, certainly not." Crowley wiped the sweat that would have been forming on his brow if he was human and needed to sweat. Satan smiled at him fixedly, his empty red eyes clashing horribly with Lady Diana's feathered blonde hair and hopeful, blushing face. 

"Your reports have become less ... personal, the longer you've been on Earth. There are certain rumors abroad that you have gone native. Or worst, that you been ... fraternizing with the right -- that is to say, the wrong -- element. I couldn't believe it, of course, not Crowley. Not Crowley, who so faithfully followed me down from Heaven, who always has such bright ideas on how to make life on Earth so much worse." 

"Yes," Crowley said brightly, "that would be me." 

"I hope you know that I truly do appreciate you, Crowley. Your vision is so much like my own. Once our war with Heaven is won, I hope you know that I won't forget you. My place as the Prince of Hell -- well, it could be yours." 

What a horrible thought. Hell had no decent television reception and always stunk of rotten eggs. 

"It sounds truly wonderful, my lord," Crowley simpered. "I cannot wait to reveal my next project to you all." 

"Oh, not me," Satan replied. "You know, Beelzebub will be your supervisor for your Earthly ventures. I am quite busy with other projects. Oh, would you look at the time? I must away, darling. Toodle-loo." 

Diana's face returned to normal and the wedding went on as planned. Crowley sighed in disgust and shut off the television. The problem with Satan was the problem with everyone who had been revolutionary and exciting when they were young, only to fall into smug, self-satisfaction in middle-age. He had fallen after him, but Crowley thought if he had a choice now, he'd go an entirely different direction. Away from Heaven and away from Hell -- towards Earth, in fact. 

His phone rang and Crowley let the machine get it. Aziraphale's pipping voice was heard, chatting about something that could not be particularly important. Crowley snagged the phone and barked into it, "Yes, what is it, angel? I'll do it." 

"Oh, Crowley! I didn't think you'd answer. How was it, your performance review?" 

"Excellent as always. Satan has absolute faith in me. What about you?" 

"Oh. Well, Gabriel was kind enough to point out some flaws in my last few cases, but overall, it was ... positive?" 

"Look, do you want to have dinner together or not?" 

"Well, if you'd like..." 

A few moments later, Crowley was out the door, with only a growled threat to his plants.

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who just finished watching _Good Omens_ and found it good, actually?? ~~Someone write me fic about the sullen twink Richard Burbage.~~
> 
> While Satan was ultimately disappointing, I liked the cozy messages Crowley got from him earlier in the show. But of course, we gotta have the OG angelic/demonic power couple together. They get fantastically drunk and consciously screw (angels can't fuck any other way, y'see) later on. 
> 
> TOODLES. 
> 
> (Title from [Queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXzW-pZ5sUQ).)


End file.
